Where’s the desire?

When one partner wants sex more than the other

The most common sexual problem that I encounter in my office is low sexual desire. Some people are surprised to hear this, not really understanding what it means to have low sexual desire and how it can be a problem. Those who have encountered desire discrepancy (when one sexual partner has more desire than the other) know from experience how this can raise havoc in a relationship.

Often a man will complain that his wife or girlfriend has no interest in sex with him, though I also have had quite a few women bring in their male companion due to his loss of sexual interest. And I have seen gay and lesbian couples with desire discrepancy.

In all these cases, the scenario is typically quite similar. Usually the couple tells me that “everything else in their relationship works well, but this sexual problem is overshadowing everything, causing friction and sometimes fights.” In many cases sex happens less and less frequently. Sometimes the low libido partner will eventually initiate sex out of guilt, when it has been too long since they last have had sex. The other partner often has given up initiating sex, tired of being rejected time after time. Or he will only do it when his frustration hits an unbearable high. The days when both partners were interested in sexual encounters are usually long gone.

The underlying reasons can be complex, and I take a lot of time identifying and discussing each piece of the puzzle that contributes to a couple’s unique situation. Usually more than one factor is involved and I challenge my clients to think about what various reasons might be the most important ones to address first.

In order to talk about sexual desire, it is important to understand what the term really means. This is what I usually tell my clients:

About five decades ago, sex researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson set out to study human sexuality. They invited hundreds of individuals into their laboratory, observing their sexual responses during sexual activity, including masturbation and intercourse. Many of these volunteer research subjects were easily orgasmic and the researchers concluded that sexual arousal (increased blood flow to the genitals causing erections in men and genital engorgement and lubrication or “getting wet” in women) leads to orgasm, which is followed by a resolution phase. Obviously, this model was entirely focused on what happens in the genitals (and not the brain) during sex.

Another contemporary sex researcher, Helen Singer Kaplan, noted that “sexual desire” was a necessary starting point and now the human sexual response model looked like this: Normal sexual response starts with sexual desire, and is followed by arousal, orgasm and resolution. The fact that sexual desire was the starting point became a general expectation, leading women and men who do not feel a strong level of sexual interest to wonder whether something might be wrong. In other words, they think that they should have a natural appetite or hunger for sex in order to be “normal.”

Several sexologists eventually called for a model of human sexual response that was not primarily “genitally focused” but included emotional components as well. In particular, Dr. Rosemary Basson recently developed a model which is circular and where the starting point is a desire to feel close or committed to the partner, or feelings of being attracted or attractive, or a need to show love and affection. Note that the person may have little interest in sex at this stage. If the person is in this mood, she (or he) will then seek or be receptive to sexual stimulation. To give an example, imagine that it is late at night and she wants nothing more than to go to sleep, but she also wants to cuddle with her spouse. They start kissing, and perhaps he caresses her nipples, slowly (or quickly) causing her to become sexually aroused. It is not until now that her sexual desire becomes evident. Suddenly, she is aroused and wants more physical intimacy and sex.

The important thing to notice here is that for many women sexual arousal has to happen before they can feel a desire for sex. Remember, the old model I described? Here sexual desire was assumed to be the starting point that would lead to arousal and so on.

Therefore, I always tell clients that there is nothing wrong with having to work at getting to a point where sexual desire is felt. You do not need to have a strong urge for sex up front, as long as you can get to a point where you can awaken the sexual desire within you.

With this in mind, I can begin working with the individual or even better with the couple on how they can create opportunities where the lower libido partner can access their potential for sex desire.

Back